“The Faculty Meeting”

The Faculty Meeting

This is the way we smirk and sigh, lurk and spy, favor buy, this is the way we smile and lie
to prepare for the faculty meeting.

This is the way we bluff our way, fluff our way, gruff our way, this is the way we puff and bray
throughout the faculty meeting.

This is the way we cheat and bleat, bow and scrape, preen and prate, this is the way we obfuscate
during the faculty meeting.

This is the way we wash our hands, beat our bands, call our clans, this is the way we hatch our plans,
at the faculty meeting.

This is the way we tip our hat, smell a rat, bell the cat, this is the way we take a nap,
in the midst of the faculty meeting.

This is the way we clear our throats, burn our boats, turn our coats, this is the way we change our votes,
in the faculty meeting.

This is the way we hatch our plots, cast our lots, pick our spots, this-is the way we get our gots
by steering the faculty meeting.

This is the way we kiss an ass, lick a dick, turn a trick, this is why we get quite sick
to learn what the dean is scheming.

So this is the way we’ll buck the trends, fake amends, forget our ends, this is the way we’ll fuck our friends
by the end of the faculty meeting.

This is how our tenure concludes, in pissy moods and platitudes, a career of complaint and attitudes
in the course of the faculty’s meetings.

This is the way retirement starts, with a chorus of jeers, and a volley of farts.
They’re the true heart of academy sorts, who depart the faculty meeting.

This is the way to the grave we chose, the eyes we dose, the nose we lose,
This is how each faculty goes,
When the worms attend our meeting.

(a poem from William H. Gass’ novel _Middle C_, 2013)

June 3, 2016

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